I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
