she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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