Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
