i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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