So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
