Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My ass is underappreciated
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
