That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
