But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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