He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
