the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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