well I can't set my house on fire every night
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
