I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
