he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize