Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
