you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
