The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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