apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
