the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
