you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
