I can text with my tongue
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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