You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
