Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
