dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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