the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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