maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
