dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
