these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
