hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
