pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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