the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
