Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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