while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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