somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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