shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
