If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize