I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
