No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize