I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
