Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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