You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
MIDGETS
????
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
