Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
