1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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