Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
