My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
