i just wanna soil my oats bro
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
