What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize