Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
