dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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