God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
