no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
