he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
