She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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