Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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