Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
