i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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