I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
