i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
