woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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