any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
